The idea that “good sex is long sex” is outdated. Experts reveal that satisfaction isn’t about minutes — it’s about connection and being fully present.
It’s time to bust the myth that good sex only lasts all night. In reality, good intercourse isn’t about duration; it’s about mutual pleasure and connection. But how long should sex really last? A study of 500 heterosexual couples found that the average penetrative sexual intercourse lasts 5.4 minutes. But that figure alone doesn’t say anything about satisfaction.
Many factors influence the perfect duration, “such as the partners’ energy levels, mood, level of intimacy, and how satisfying we feel in our relationship,” explains Lucy Rowett, sexologist and sex coach.
The idea that “good intercourse is long sex” is a deeply embedded social construct. Patriarchal culture, inadequate sex education, and pornography as a false reference point all contribute to this misconception.
Where did the “long sex” myth come from?
In our society, we have learned to identify sexual intercourse solely with penis-vaginal penetration and to measure masculinity by the length of an erection. In the meantime, we forget that the vast majority of people with a clitoris do not experience orgasm exclusively during penetration, in fact!
Pornography, which is the only source of sex education for many, sets unrealistic expectations. As a sociologist and clinical sexologist, Sarah Melancon puts it, “Learning how to have sexual intercourse from porn is like trying to learn how to drive from the Fast and Furious movies. ”
Research shows that men typically reach full arousal in a few minutes, while women need an average of 20 minutes. But it’s also not true that longer sexual activity means more pleasure. In fact, if you go too long, intercourse can even become painful.
So, what’s the ideal duration?
There’s no universal answer to how long sexual intercourse should last. The key is to ensure that both partners are satisfied. According to a 2008 study, therapists categorised the duration of sex as follows:
1–2 minutes: too short
3–7 minutes: adequate
7–13 minutes: desirable
10–30 minutes: too long
These are just guidelines, of course. As Lee Phillips, a couple’s and sex therapist, says, “Sexual intercourse is about pleasure and flexibility, not how long you can last.” A spontaneous encounter might last as little as 15 minutes, while a romantic evening might be much longer, with wine, foreplay, playfulness, and experimentation.
Read also: Boost pleasure while burning calories with these sex positions that double as a workout
What can affect how long sex lasts?
Here are some factors that affect the duration of sexual intercourse:
Age: As we get older, it can take longer to become fully aroused. By age 40, around 40% of men may experience some form of erectile difficulty.
Hormones: lower testosterone levels can reduce libido and affect erections.
Sexual dysfunctions: Conditions like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction can impact timing — but both are treatable.
Tips for shorter sex
Find your perfect position: choose the position that allows you to climax faster. (Try the often-overlooked sex position that can bring you incredible pleasure!)
Be creative: quick sexual activity can be exciting — spontaneity boosts arousal.
Use sex toys: A vibrator or ring can intensify the experience.
Communicate: Talk about what you want before and during sex.
Tips for longer, more intense intimacy
Take the focus off penetration; think of sexual intercourse as a journey, not a destination. Oral sex, touching, massage, and playfulness can all be part of it.
Build anticipation throughout the day: flirt, send messages, hug each other – the foreplay can start in the morning.
Deepen your connection: The best sex is not a matter of a stopwatch, but of intimacy, trust, and shared experience.
Read more: “Women deserve great sex:” A sex therapist’s guide to reaching peak orgasm
This article was originally published by Esther Szabo on the Marie Claire Hungary website.
