The essence of sex is to reach orgasm, and you should experience them more often. If you haven’t, Girl Talker, certified sex therapist, has some tips to help you.
Beyond procreation and satisfying men’s desires, the question of whether women enjoy sex remains unanswered. For too long, female orgasms have been the exception rather than the rule, and it’s time we address it.
Cleveland Clinic describes an orgasm as the height or peak of sexual arousal when the body releases sexual tension and pressure. It usually lasts for a few seconds and involves very intense feelings of pleasure in your genitals and throughout your body. Having an orgasm can also also be called climaxing or cumming.
In a bid to explore orgasm from a woman’s standpoint, I sat down with Ajie Fortune Reuben, better known as “The Girl Talker,” a certified sex therapist and consultant. We discussed misconceptions surrounding sexual pleasure, the barriers to women having great sex and how you can kickstart your journey to pleasure.
So, come closer—we’re handing you the key to great sex and mind-blowing orgasms! Your body, your pleasure, your time.
First, we acknowledge that the pleasure gap is real
This article was partly inspired by a survey I encountered, which revealed that about 53-85% women report faking an orgasm. In another survey, 10-15% of women reported they have never had an orgasm. And some never will. Furthermore, the survey revealed that up to one-half of women are not satisfied with how often they reach orgasm. The Girl Talker was one of such women, and she explained how she struggled with enjoying sex.
“When I started having sex, it didn’t feel like what I expected. I didn’t have that great feeling people associate with sex. So, I figured if I didn’t, perhaps more women were probably having sex and not enjoying it either.
In our society, girls are taught to remain virgins to symbolise our purity and worth. As we go through puberty, we’re encouraged to suppress our sexual desires and any deviation from “purity” is frowned upon. Women are often conditioned to give sex while men are expected to receive it. We are taught to view sex as a duty used to fulfil the obligations of childbirth and marital duties rather than as a source of personal pleasure.
While there isn’t a universal definition for what great sex entails, one thing is certain: Women should have more orgasms.
What stops women from having great sex
Before we get you on the road to bliss, let’s talk about possible reasons you have been struggling with having great sex.
You can be your major obstacle
You may be hindering yourself from having orgasms if you see your flaws more vividly than anything else. When most women stand naked in front of the mirror, they look for errors rather than focus on the beautiful features they have. The Girl Talker explains that “These worries hinder you from enjoying sex. If you’re not able to fully embrace being naked in front of another person, then you might not enjoy sex to the point of climaxing.”
The debate on whether your body size or type is the reason you’re not climaxing is baseless because plus-sized women can enjoy sex! Research by the Oregon State University disposes of the assumption that weight affects a woman’s sexual behaviour and hinders them from enjoying sex. The Girl Talker explains that when women become self-aware and love themselves, nothing can stop them from enjoying sex to the fullest.
If you want to enjoy sex, first know that your body is not an apology. Next, learn to love yourself—every curve, dip, dimple, and so-called flaw that makes you uniquely you. Make it a duty to appreciate every single one.
An unwilling partner
If your partner isn’t willing to explore your pleasures or doesn’t pay attention when you speak about your need to climax, I say replace them. The Girl Talker emphasises that “Your partner’s desire for your orgasm is just as important.Y ou deserve more than a partner whose next course of action after cumming is to lay off in bed, fall asleep or go to clean up without making sure you get yours.” Your partner needs to pay attention to you.
The mood-dampening sex guilt
In my article about unapologetically loving sex, I discussed how guilt affected my sexual experience. The notion that women should be ashamed of having and loving sex is a relic of a time when women’s bodies were controlled and policed. We no longer have to be ashamed of our desires. Instead, we own it.
Now that the barriers are out, here’s how to ensure your happy ending.
Have a clear mind
The Girl Talker says the first step is to “be in the moment.” For you to truly enjoy sex, you need to be present in the moment. This means letting go of distractions—work, family, or daily stress. By focusing on your desires, sensations, and pleasure, you can have a more fulfilling sex life.
“It is futile to expect to have great sex when you’re not emotionally or mentally present.”
Explore your body
“Exploring your body is the best way to learn how to climax.” The Girl Talker affirms without mincing words. “It is very important for women to be able to give themselves orgasms because if you’re only dependent on someone else, your chances of getting it get slimmer… When you touch yourself, you know what parts of your body give you pleasure and where you don’t want to be touched.”
Sex toys are also great accessories for exploring your body and feeling powerful, and the misconception that they will replace sexual partners is false. Girl Talker further explains that “Aside from self exploration, sex toys enhance intimacy with partners.” She particularly finds the idea of a partner watching their woman use toys on herself very exciting, and I couldn’t agree more. Not sure where to begin browsing for sex toys? Check out our Fashion and Beauty Writer’s top picks.
Furthermore, Healthline reveals that masturbation is a healthy and safe way to practise self-care and that sex toys are great tools for self-discovery. By understanding what works for you, you can communicate your needs with your partner and take control of your pleasure.
“If you can comfortably masturbate and reach orgasm, you will never settle for anything less.”
Attraction is key
She enthusiastically states that attraction is non-negotiable. You should feel attracted to your partner and they to you. When you’re drawn to your partner physically, emotionally, or intellectually, it sparks desire and intimacy. Without attraction, sex can feel forced or unfulfilling. It’s about chemistry, connection, and mutual appeal. When both partners feel attracted to each other, it can elevate the entire experience.
If you already have a willing partner, communicate
Men are more vocal about what they enjoy in the bedroom, so you should be too! Communication is key to having good sex. “Let your partner know where to touch, suck, fondle, lick, apply pressure, everything. Tell them! If you want to orgasm, communicate your preferences and desires.”
Build intimacy and learn the art of foreplay
Intimacy or the lack of intimacy greatly impacts the quality of sex women have. “When women feel seen, heard, and understood, they’re more likely to relax and enjoy the experience, she shares. So, partners, take note: emotional intimacy is key.”
Additionally, she clarifies that “Intimacy and foreplay start long before actual sex. It’s the anticipation, desire, and connection.” Building anticipation could start with text messages, pictures and anything that turns you on. Great sex takes a buildup.
Oral sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all rodeo
Imagine my surprise when The Girl Talker explained that there is no universal pattern to oral sex. Yes, the ‘sucking of the clit’ which we often see and read about in books— smut reader here — isn’t the only way to have oral sex. Yes, there are techniques to it, but preferences vary from woman to woman.
“Some women like rim jobs; others prefer cunnilingus, fingering, and sex toys. Some women don’t even like hands, or tongues on their vagina. Women have preferences, and partners need to pay attention to their partners’ reactions.
“Women may enjoy penetrative sex, but more women climax from oral sex.”
You deserve great sex and orgasms
Sex is a natural part of being human, and you should be getting the best of it. Research indicates that orgasms offer several health benefits, including relief from headaches and other pain, heart health, menstrual cramps, self-confidence, sleep and stress.
Ultimately, The Girl Talker urges women to “Build confidence, and start exploring their bodies because that’s how you unlock orgasms.”
Remember, you deserve to experience pleasure. Prioritise your own enjoyment and take ownership of your sexuality. A fulfilling sex life is truly the key to a happier, more complete life.
