When routine replaces romance, even the deepest love can drift into a sex-out.
You have to choose: the sex from when you first met, or after many years together. Are there still sparks, or has it turned into a kind of platonic “panda love”? If it’s the latter, philosopher Wilhelm Schmid says you might be experiencing a sex-out. Here’s how to reignite the fireworks.
Keeping desire alive
Keeping desire alive in a long-term relationship can be tricky. Life gets busy; that wild infatuation turns into something calmer, and maybe by now you’ve got a baby—or two. Scientists have long debated how important sex really is for a happy relationship. But the answer isn’t in statistics; it lies with you — and your partner. Desire can slip away for no clear reason and then, just as suddenly, return. Or not. Sometimes your sex drive can simply vanish for a long stretch.
Can you live with that? Some studies suggest that satisfaction in a relationship is tied to the quality of your sex life. And if that’s true, the answer is simple: a relationship without desire or sex isn’t sustainable.
In his book “Sex-Out”, German philosopher Wilhelm Schmid explores this phenomenon—the moments when sex simply disappears. Couples can hit a standstill for any number of reasons: routine, frustration, or a lack of connection. But it’s not a reason to despair. Quite the opposite — there are ways out.
Here are three tips from Schmid himself, with insights from relationship coach Loes Koot of iCoaching.
Tip 1: Accept that you’re different
According to Schmid, it’s important to let go of ideas that don’t work in practice. “One of those ideas,” he says, “might be the belief that two people in a relationship are the same. When it comes to equal rights and opportunities, that’s non-negotiable—but that doesn’t mean all our natural differences should disappear.”
He adds, “Isn’t it exactly that diversity that makes life so rich? Nature has clearly designed the sexes differently: testosterone wasn’t invented by pharmaceutical companies, the penis isn’t a mistake, the menstrual cycle isn’t a misunderstanding, and breasts and the uterus aren’t irrelevant extras.”
Even in sexual experience, not everything is equal. A woman’s orgasm often requires more focus than a man’s release. Schmid gives a common example: “My boyfriend always wants sex,” sighs a young woman in therapy. “My partner is so terribly passive,” complains the man. One subject, two perspectives. Those differences exist—and pretending they doesn’t help.
Tip 2: Be open and really talk about the sex-out
When looking for solutions to a sex-out, Schmid says, communication is key. “The more you understand,” he writes, “the more you receive from life — and from sex.”
He notes that openness can be more difficult for men than for women, but it’s something that can be learned. And when men do open up, it rarely goes unnoticed. “When you open up to me like that,” says a woman during therapy, “I immediately want to go to bed with you.”
Relationship coach Loes Koot finds that in nine out of ten couples who come to her practice, it’s the woman who has lost her desire. The reasons vary — from past negative experiences to pregnancy, or even cultural background — but most sexual issues, she says, stem from communication problems.
“Every solution starts with a good conversation,” Koot explains. “One driven by genuine curiosity about your partner’s emotions and motivations. Don’t just exchange information—really listen. And don’t make assumptions; ask your partner how they actually feel.”
If you don’t talk about your dissatisfaction, Koot warns, “it can turn into resentment, which your partner may experience as rejection.” Another common pitfall, she adds, is ending the conversation with blame: “You don’t do this right. You don’t pay attention to me. You don’t care.” That approach, she says, “gets you nowhere—your partner just becomes defensive. Choose your words carefully, listen to each other, and take your time.”
Read also: Boost pleasure while burning calories with these sex positions that double as a workout
Tip 3: Make time for change and fantasy
A stale sex life is often the result of a lack of excitement. The same foreplay, the same position, the same routine—it’s no wonder you start yawning. Schmid explains that this happens “when opposing poles disappear. Without a positive and negative charge, there’s no current—and no spark.”
That’s when your sex life risks turning into that of a panda. “Like pandas in the zoo,” Schmid writes, “couples get comfortable on the couch, nibbling on chips as pandas munch bamboo—until both are too tired for any real passion.”
Koot urges couples to at least keep intimacy alive: “Touch each other, massage, cuddle, hug, kiss. If sex isn’t happening, focus less on orgasm and more on staying physically close.”
Schmid also suggests introducing variety—not necessarily involving other people, but experimenting within the relationship. “Why not set up a ‘fantasy request day’?” he writes. Exploring a fantasy once in a while can break the routine, and that’s often exactly what’s needed.
Koot agrees. “I see couples who always have sex at night,” she says. “But now that they have kids and demanding jobs, they’re too tired. I tell them, schedule it! Choose a different time—meet during lunch, or while the kids are at school. A small change can bring back excitement.”
First aid for a sex-out
Coach Loes Koot’s advice: “Agree to go two weeks without any sex at all. That takes the pressure off—it doesn’t have to happen. Instead, focus on speaking with open hearts and full attention to what the other person says and feels. Talk, talk, talk. Ask yourself: Do I still desire you? What would it take to feel that again? Say everything out loud, even if it’s confronting. Honesty gets you further. Secrets fester and create distance between you.”
Read more: How long does good sex really last? Experts reveal what actually matters for intense pleasure
This article was originally published by Marie Claire Editorial Team on the Marie Claire Netherlands website.
