Girl, get on top: A fat girl’s guide to scintillating sex

Before we dive deep into the guide I’ve put together just for you, no phrasing intended, let’s be clear on two things:

  1. I am a fat girl. Have I been a fat girl all my life? Absolutely. Am I a fat girl as I write this guide? Yes, yes, I am. And I LOVE it!

  2. Being a fat girl has never reduced the quality of my sex life. My orgasms are thriving, intercourse is far from tedious, and I have great sex with and without any partners.

How, you ask? Well, that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? I’m here to give you my very own Fat Girl’s Guide to Scintillating Sex, filled with my trade secrets, musings, and titillating tips, perfect for overcoming hurdles to establishing yourself as a sexual, sensual being.

Before I welcome you into the sensual world before you, we must journey through a few anecdotes. You can ride with me, bounce with me, or walk with me. Only make sure you’re coming with me. Let’s get right into it:

We Started From The Bottom

Growing up, my self-esteem faced significant challenges. Let’s be real; my face card has never declined—I own the credit card company! However, even as a child, my body was subjected to undue objectification, shaming, and sheer vitriol because it did not meet society’s unrealistic, ever-evolving standards of beauty. The extra flesh I carried with me was deemed disgusting. Unsavoury. And it is no coincidence that it was considered so by everyone but me.

Truthfully, I have never despised my body on my own accord. I adopted society’s critical lens, making me believe my fuller figure was unwelcome. This notion was, is, and forever will be entirely baseless.

The confidence and self-esteem I rest in today were not offered to me on a platter of gold. I have put it together from the ground up, shaping every element from nothing, carefully placing each piece upon the next with intention.

Great body, great sex

In the Beginning, Society Created Body Image Dilemmas

For many women who look like me, struggles with body image often lay the foundation for difficulties in embracing sensuality and fostering sexual intimacy.

Our formative and adolescent years are spent being torn down instead of being built up, as society bombards us with unrealistic standards that often make us feel insecure about our appearances and undesirable. Seeds of hostility towards our bodies are sown, and by the time we are old enough to explore sexual relationships, we must contend with the despicable harvest that lies before us.

I am here to tell you that it is time to tell society to shove its standards in a place where the sun seldom shines.

Healthy body image, healthy sex life

To create truly unforgettable and meaningful moments in your sex life, it’s essential to start with embracing and loving your body as it is. This path asks you to be mindful and kind to yourself, to consciously choose and engage in activities that nurture a positive relationship with your body.

Here are some of mine:

Be Patient With Yourself

Reshaping the perception of your body is an ongoing process. You didn’t start seeing your body as a challenge overnight, so it’s unrealistic to expect you’ll begin to view it with comfort and ease just as quickly. There will be days more difficult than others. Give yourself patience and grace as you embrace your body.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Do not be afraid to speak up when your inner saboteur rears their ugly head! Challenge your negative thoughts with affirmations, prayers, and declarations. When your mind tells you something unsavoury, counter it immediately!

Embrace Your Beauty

Your beauty is a garden of roses, and you must take care of it! Get your nails done, try new hairstyles, keep your skin glowing, and explore your style! When you look good, you feel better!

Seek Professional Support

Speak to licensed professionals, such as counsellors, coaches, and therapists, for help. They can help you navigate your body-image dilemmas with tried and tested practices, and it makes a world of difference!

Navigate Your Waters

Ask yourself: what is sexually pleasurable to you?

Our bodies are like oceans, and the parts of us where our waves crash wild and free are our erogenous zones. From our nipples and clitoris to our necks, thighs, and feet, there are several parts of our bodies uniquely designed to stimulate pleasure.

As our bodies differ, so do our preferences for stimulation. Some may prefer to have their nipples stimulated during intercourse, and others may like to have their nipples left alone, prioritising their ears, clitoris, feet, or anus.

To establish meaningful and memorable sexual experiences, one must be aware of where and how they like to be touched. When exploring my sensuality, these were the practices that helped me.

Flick the Bean, Toss the Salad

Embracing solo playtime is the quickest and easiest way to learn about your erogenous zones. During your alone time, don’t hesitate to try it all out: using your hands or toys, with or without lube, experiencing warm or cool sensations, taking it slow or going deeper—whatever floats your boat! Don’t get too carried away, though. Remember, this is for research purposes *wink wink*.

Be Open-Minded

Your sexual appetites may evolve as you grow older, and if you are keen on maintaining sexual pleasure in your life, you will need to evolve alongside them. For example, I did not fancy vibrators a few years ago, but now I do for nipple stimulation. Staying open-minded about positions, accessories, and much more will help you establish what truly works for you and what does not.

Voice it Out

When engaging in intercourse with partners, voice your feedback as it manifests. If certain positions no longer feel pleasurable, tell them to stop and try something else if you are still inclined to. Similarly, if anything feels pleasurable, you can ask them to keep it up.

Pace Yourself

Do not feel pressured to try anything new before you are ready. Taking it all at your own pace will ensure that you do not begin to feel overwhelmed by the new territory before you.

Picking Partners

I am on the demisexual spectrum. This means that to engage in and enjoy any sexual activity, I have to foster a strong emotional bond with my prospective partner.

As a general rule of thumb, I gravitate towards partners who are NOT misogynistic, homophobic, or transphobic. I will simply not engage with anyone who is either or all of these three things.

I will also not tolerate partners who are inherently fatphobic. Over the years, I’ve taken note of all the words, behaviours, and gestures that read as red flags to me, and they are:

  • Controlling Your Eating Habits: Once my partner begins to plate-watch me, it’s game over.

  • Objectifying You: Partners who use adjectives such as ‘meaty’ and ‘fleshy’ to describe my body are partners to be wary of. I am not a native fowl. I am not a cow. Why am I being described as such?

  • Partners in Denial of Being Attracted to Fat Women: From the producers of “You’re Not Fat, You’re Chubby” and other stories that touch, we present “Person in Denial,” now streaming on Netflix! Honestly, just save yourself the stress of being in a relationship with a person who feels like they have to justify their attraction to you by denying what you truly look like. We deserve much better.

Before, During, and After

As I mentioned earlier, being a fat girl has never reduced the quality of my sex life. Here’s everything I do before, during, and after sex that keeps my orgasms thriving:

Before I engage in coitus:

  • Wash Up: As a fat woman with prominent hips and thighs, it’s a no-brainer that they rub on each other when I walk. Living in the tropics, I often sweat between my thighs, too. I like to wash up before sex, not only because I want to feel fresh going in but also because I want to avoid unnecessary bacteria, sweat, and dead skin cells from going up my vaginal canal. This ensures my kitty girl stays healthy.

  • Hydrate: It is important for me to remain hydrated before, during, and after intercourse. Before I begin, I drink a 50–75 cl bottle of water, and this keeps me from feeling extremely thirsty and tired at the end of intercourse.

During coitus:

  • Remain Present: I ensure that I am completely present during sexual intercourse. To do so, I focus on my breathing, maintain eye contact with my partner, and allow myself to be enraptured in the pleasure I am experiencing. If you find that insecure thoughts cross your mind while you try to remain present, acknowledge them, let them go, and refocus on your partner and, more importantly, the intimacy and pleasure.

  • Stay Vocal: I like to let my partner know when they’re pleasing me right. My favourite phrases are ‘just like that’, ‘yessssss’ with the drawn-out ‘s’, and ‘good boy’. Everyone has theirs. Find yours!

  • Listen to My Body: Listening to your body will help mitigate sex-related injuries like muscle sprains and strains. If I begin to feel pain, I let my partner know, and we switch things up. If I am unable to continue, I share with them too.

  • Affirm My Partner: Affirming my partner is important to me, and I find that many people do not know that they like to be affirmed until they experience it themselves. Try affirming your partner!

After coitus:

  • Pee and Wash Up: Peeing after intercourse is key, as this helps flush away any germs in your urethra before they can cause a urinary tract infection (UTI). UTIs are NOT pleasurable at all. I like to take showers afterwards, too.

  • Check-in With My Partner: After sexual intercourse, I like to make sure my partner is well and doesn’t feel dangerously fatigued. It is equally important to me that they feel cared for as much as I do in the moments afterwards.

  • Hydrate: Replenishing the water lost from sweating during sex is super essential in mitigating fatigue afterwards.

  • Sleep: Depending on how things went, some shut-eye is necessary. WHEW!

Positions! Positions!! Positions!!!

As a woman with prominent hips, thighs, breasts, and a sweet belly, here are some of my favourite positions, with tips on how to make them even more pleasurable:

Cowgirl

Tip: Girl, get on top! To truly enjoy being on top of your partner, I suggest balancing your weight on your feet instead of your knees.

I find that when you do, you have better control of your hips and more pleasurable thrust control. If your partner is physically smaller than you are, prop a pillow underneath them to elevate their genitals and have some fun!

Downward Doggy

Tip: If your penetrative partner’s genitals are on the shorter side, I suggest a ‘Traditional Doggy’ instead of a ‘Downward Doggy.’ Similarly, if your partner’s penetrative genitals are on the larger side, have them prioritise longer, deeper thrusts above short, quick thrusts.

Finally, use props! Lean against a bed, a table, a door—whatever!

69

Tip: We know 69 involves your mouth, but let your hands in on some action, too! Stroke their genitals, caress them, and play with any organs that can be penetrated—with their permission, of course.

Have fun while on top of them, too! Bounce, grind, and do it all!

Face-Sitting

Tip: If your arms are long enough, stroke their genitals while sitting on their faces. Make sure to use some lube to avoid chafing!

Missionary

Tip: Prop your hips with a pillow for deeper, fuller thrusts. Move your hips in a circle for extra pleasure while they penetrate you. Maintain eye contact. And enjoy yourself thoroughly!

Now, go have some fun!

We’ve come to the end of the guide, and I hope you’ve learned a thing or two!

To wrap up, I will leave you with the wise words from the book “Curvy Girl Sex” by Elle Chase, a certified sexologist, intimacy, and life coach:

“We all have sex appeal, but our sex appeal is not going to be everyone’s definition of sexy. Because we all have different turn-ons and diverse desires, what’s sexy to you isn’t necessarily what’s sexy to me and vice versa.”

Go have some fun intercourse, sweetie!

Author

  • Denise Eseimokumoh

    The Siren of the South, Denise is Social Editor at Marie Claire Nigeria. An astrologer, singer, and tarot reader, she is passionate, spirited, and vivacious.

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