Dr. Karen Finn is a life coach focusing on couples’ relationships, particularly divorce. You can find her writings on the Huffington Post, Prevention, and health websites, such as Psych Central.
She writes about how she improved her relationship through a peculiar method that keeps her away from her husband at night. She explains how a similar approach could help you.
“The idea that ‘opposites attract’ is cute at the beginning of relationships, but when you are married or together for a long time, these differences can drive you crazy. My husband and I are certainly a case of opposites that attract, especially when it comes to sleep.
He is a night owl who loves stealing the covers and rolling all over the bed, disregarding who is next to him. I am a morning person who loves sleeping in a tidy bed with straight sheets in a dark, quiet room.
When we first moved in together, he installed a ceiling TV in our bedroom. It seemed a bit extreme to me, but I took it humorously because I loved him, thinking he might want to watch a movie in bed occasionally.
Years later, I wasn’t laughing as much. It turned out he struggled to sleep without watching TV. So, we watched until he fell asleep, and then I turned it off. That’s when I could finally sleep peacefully. I just slept a bit later than before we moved in together.
I thought we had figured things out. And we did. Until life happened.
Every time we moved or one of us changed jobs, it seemed like our sleep routine required minor adjustments. Some changes we made over time included an eye mask for me and a tablet with headphones for him.
We managed to keep adapting things to suit both of us—not just for a few weeks, but for several years. But, ultimately, it was all falling apart.
I don’t mean we just disagreed about sleeping. I mean, both of us seriously wondered if getting a divorce would be better. The only things keeping us together were the distant memory of our love and the determination to make it work, because that’s what married people do.
Occasionally, I couldn’t stand the disagreements, so I’d go to sleep in the guest room. I slept well, but it angered my husband because we were supposed to sleep together in a marriage.
One morning, after a good night’s sleep, I admitted that I slept better when we slept separately. I asked him how he slept. He agreed with me. I took a deep breath, fought my fears and anxieties about not starting another argument, and popped the one-million-dollar question: ‘What do you think about sleeping separately?’
At first, he was angry. But the more he thought about it, the more reasonable it seemed to him. His main concern was what people would think because, according to the ‘rules of marriage,’ a husband and a wife should sleep together—period. I told him it concerned no one else but us. And you know what? He agreed with me.
We’ve been sleeping separately for almost a year now. Our home is much quieter, and it’s much easier to remember that we love each other. I know it may sound a bit dramatic, but I truly believe sleeping in separate bedrooms saved my marriage.
(I know you have questions, so let me answer them. Yes, we still have sex, usually in his bed because he doesn’t mind wrinkled sheets. Yes, we sleep in each other’s rooms, but only when we have guests who need the guest room. Since we sleep together only occasionally, our differences in sleep are cute again, but only for a few days).
It took a lot to break one of the ‘rules of marriage.’ But what I learned since then is that we are not the only ones breaking this rule. TODAY.com reported that 60% of the 14,000 people who responded to one of their polls sleep better alone.
This move helped us a lot. If you are facing similar differences or differences, you consider insurmountable, try ‘breaking the rules.’ It may improve your relationship.
After all, love doesn’t mean enduring everything just to make your partner happy. Love means evolving and creating space to meet the needs of both people—even if it requires breaking a few rules or conventions.”
This article was syndicated from Marie Claire Greece
Translated and adapted by Praise Vandeh, Marie Claire Nigeria Content Writer
