“My family do not know or want to accept that I am a queer woman. They take this part of my life as a ‘phase’ that spiritual deliverance would solve.”
— Ngozi*
Editors’ Note: We changed the names and pictures in the story to protect the people involved.
A month before Valentine’s, I reached out on an online women’s forum, inviting women to share their most unique and heartfelt love stories for the month of love. I was looking for narratives that broke away from the norm—distinctive and captivating stories. While many shared tales of heartbreak and friendship, typical of Valentine’s narratives, Ngozi’s* message stood out: “I am a lesbian with a girlfriend, and I want to share our love story.”
Aware of the profound challenges queer individuals in Nigeria face in openly embracing their identities, I felt deeply honoured and trusted by Ngozi* to narrate her and Kamsi’s* love story, marking its debut into the public domain. I invite you, dear reader, to look beyond their identity as “queer women” and recognise them as individuals who courageously challenge societal norms. They embody love that thrives in silence, daring to express their most heartfelt emotions away from the scrutinising eyes of society.
The Meeting
The starstruck lovers had their paths intertwined with the help of an LGBTQI Whatsapp community advertised on Instagram.
Kamsi stumbled upon the group in January 2023, thanks to a suggestion from her best friend after moving to Lagos. She began to notice Ngozi there, drawn to her for being “active” and “outspoken” within the community. “I was observing people in the group for about four months, and Ngozi was a character I admired. She’s super honest and can be very fun to chat with,” she added with evident admiration.
Four months into her Lagos journey, with HR management exams on the horizon, Kamsi noticed Ngozi’s frequent job postings in the group. Sensing a shared professional path, Kamsi reached out for advice, sparking their first conversation. Their chat evolved into a phone call, laying the foundation for a deep connection and undeniable chemistry between them.
The Spark
Their mutual fascination was sparked by something as simple yet profound as the sound of their voices. Ngozi was captivated by the melodic harmony in Kamsi’s voice, while Kamsi found comfort and reassurance in the tone of Ngozi’s voice. “I have a thing for beautiful voices, and Babe’s [Kamsi’s] voice is one of them. The soft melody of the sound melts my heart each time,” Ngozi explained.
Ngozi was caught in a classic “head vs. heart” dilemma, leaning towards studs but couldn’t ignore the spark with Kamsi, a femme that wasn’t her usual type. To thicken the plot, Gabriella, her stud neighbour, was “madly in love” with her, and Ngozi toyed with the idea of maybe, just maybe, giving her a shot. But life had other plans, and as Ngozi and Kamsi’s friendship flourished over shared secrets and unwavering support, they found themselves in a storyline none could have predicted.
“I am not the most liked on the group chat, but I noticed that Kamsi always defended me whenever the atmosphere was hot. I love her because of that.”
The two called, chatted, hung out with mutual friends, and simply enjoyed each other’s company—until a fateful hangout in December 2023, one that the two lovebirds will never forget.
The First Kiss
Ngozi vividly recalls their first kiss as if it happened just yesterday. They planned to meet late at night after Ngozi’s office party, which ran late, making her worry that Kamsi might have left. But Kamsi waited.
As they shared cocktails, Ngozi couldn’t stop thinking about kissing Kamsi, “All I could think about were the lusciousness of her lips and the way I wanted to kiss them. It was overflooding all my thoughts and senses.” To her surprise, Kamsi kissed her back, marking the start of their relationship.
Ngozi had to gently end things with Gabriella, who took it hard but ultimately understood it was for the best.
The ups and downs of a queer relationship in Nigeria
“Ngozi is one of the best things that has ever happened to me in such a long time. She sees me and knows what I need, even when I am silent.”
Two months in, Ngozi and Kamsi’s love is as strong as the night of their unforgettable first kiss. Yet, living in a country with deep-seated homophobic attitudes like Nigeria means they often have to keep their relationship under wraps. This secrecy doesn’t dampen their affection but highlights the courage it takes to love freely in the face of adversity.
“We usually have to make sure we are in a dark or secluded area before we can touch each other the way we want. We can’t just take pictures and scream that we are in love,” Kamsi complained.
Navigating family dynamics adds another layer of complexity for Ngozi and Kamsi. Ngozi’s family, deeply rooted in traditional views, struggles to come to terms with her sexuality, oscillating between denial and reluctance to accept. “My family do not know or want to accept that I am a queer woman. They take this part of my life as a ‘phase’ that spiritual deliverance would solve…”
This familial hesitation casts a shadow over the couple’s desire to be open about their relationship, underscoring their personal challenges alongside societal pressures. Kamsi complains that one of her worst fears is getting married to a man, as the chances of that happening are very high. “These days, my parents have been discussing marriage, and my mum always tries to marry me to suitors of her choice. It was part of the reasons I relocated to Lagos, and I hope I won’t be put through that.”
Despite the uncertain future of their relationship, Ngozi and Kamsi remain hopeful, choosing to focus on the strength of their bond rather than the societal challenges they face. Their optimism serves as a beacon, guiding them as they navigate the complexities of love in an unaccepting world.
“We will just take things one day at a time and see how it goes.”
Nigeria as a homophobic state
The Nigerian law and that of most African countries prohibit same-sex unions, relationships and representations. Defaulters can be jailed for 14 years, according to the 2014 Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act signed into law by former President Goodluck Jonathan.
Despite the severe legal consequences for same-sex relationships in Nigeria, including the possibility of death, caning, or imprisonment, and a law against gay organisations or public expressions of same-sex affection, there remains a resilient LGBTQ community. These individuals courageously live their truths in secret, navigating the risks to express their sexual identities away from the scrutiny of the law. This defiance underscores a profound determination to seek personal authenticity and love despite the harsh legal and societal environment.
I hope that individuals within the LGBTQI community, particularly women like Ngozi and Kamsi, find the freedom to be themselves openly. Despite societal labels, it’s crucial to recognise that they are humans first, entitled to the same rights, capable of the same depth of feeling, and deserving of the same respect as anyone else. Let’s remember to see beyond labels and acknowledge our shared humanity.
