The pressure to perform deep throat is real, but it’s important to ask: Is it the only criterion that makes oral sex satisfying?
There’s an abundance of articles with tips on how to perform deep throat, whether it’s about producing enough saliva or how to avoid gagging — in fact, we’ve discussed this here at Marie Claire before. And yes, sometimes the arousal is so intense that you want to take it all in (there’s nothing wrong with that). But it’s important to ask: Is deep throat the only criterion that makes oral sex good and satisfying?
Oral sex should be about pleasure, not performance
Oral sex is, first and foremost, a caress we give with our mouth on someone’s penis or vulva. Like everything in sex, it exists to be pleasurable and fun — not an obligation. Even though many people repeat the maxim that “a glass of water and a blow job should never be denied to anyone,” the central point is different: you need to be willing and comfortable for it to be enjoyable for you, too.
We’ve talked here with several women who love giving oral sex — and good for them! That doesn’t mean everyone enjoys deep throat, or even that taking the penis all the way is a rule. Especially because not everyone feels comfortable putting the technique into practice.
A post on Reddit highlights this point precisely. In it, a woman questions whether there are other ways to give good oral sex without needing to resort to deep throat.
“I don’t swallow because I’m autistic and it’s a sensory issue, but I try to deep throat occasionally. The problem is that it triggers a gag reflex, and I can never go all the way,” says an anonymous user. What she thinks is that, for this reason, her blow jobs tend to be “mediocre.”
Asking for tips about sexual practices is totally healthy, but here enters an insecurity that has more to do with performance than with the pleasure you’re providing to the other person.
Read also: Everything you need to know to give oral sex that delivers intense clitoral stimulation
Where does the pressure for deep throat in oral sex come from?
According to sexologist and sex educator Sarita Milaneze, this pressure to perform deep throat comes from pornography consumption and a limited understanding of sexuality.
In this type of content, we see sex portrayed in an exaggerated and performative way. This isn’t just about the depth of the blow job, but also about penis size, intensity, and positions that don’t focus on pleasure, but rather on visual impact.
“Many women pressure themselves to perform like porn actresses to be seen as sexually active. But the result is uncomfortable experiences, like gagging, nausea, and even vomiting during oral sex,” says Milaneze.
From a physiological standpoint, the specialist explains that depth itself doesn’t significantly alter the sensations for the person receiving oral sex. “What can come into play in these cases is the symbolic aspect of arousal — linked to fantasies of domination, control, and power — not an actual gain in physical pleasure.”
Read also: Oral sex is not dirty, it is even more intimate than sex!
What actually makes oral sex pleasurable?
If you enjoy giving oral sex on a penis but don’t enjoy deep throat, know that there are many other forms of stimulation.
Milaneze emphasises that the highest concentration of nerve endings on the penis is in the glans (the “head” and the frenulum (that little seam below the glans). “Focusing on these areas with attention and care usually generates much more pleasure than depth,” she recommends.
The sexologist offers tips for performing oral sex on a penis with more pleasure and comfort, without needing to adopt deep throat:
Use your tongue well
The tongue is a great ally for exploring movements. Alternate between slow, fast, and continuous licks. Don’t just stay on the glans: run your tongue over the entire shaft of the penis to amplify sensations. If you want, you can also include suction and combine it with licking.
Read also: Oral sex: A lifestyle editor’s guide to taking control in the bedroom
Alternate stimulation
Varying between tongue, lips, and hands will bring more versatility to your oral sex, besides making you more comfortable.
If you get tired of one rhythm or intensity, move on to another. This way, you observe what your partner likes most and adjust the oral sex according to your preference. Explore the penis as a whole, without the pressure of depth, and just enjoy the moment.
Lubrication makes all the difference
A key point for good oral sex is lubrication. If your mouth is dry, then yes, the caress will become uncomfortable and can even hurt the penis. That’s why saliva makes a difference — and can be enhanced with the use of lubricating gels specifically for oral sex, including flavoured versions or edible syrups.
There are also specific gels for oral sex that, besides increasing lubrication, contain active ingredients like jambu, which produces a slightly vibratory sensation and intensifies perceptions during stimulation.
But it’s important to emphasise: if you feel uncomfortable with the taste of the penis or semen, don’t insist just to please your partner. No sexual practice should cost you your well-being and requires not only consent, but comfort and pleasure.
That’s why gels and lubricants should be seen as allies to enhance sensations, not to “disguise” an uncomfortable.
Read more: Boost pleasure while burning calories with these sex positions that double as a workout
This article was originally published by Isadora Marques on the Marie Claire Brazil website
Translated and syndicated for Marie Claire Nigeria by Esther Akinbola
