Grooming, a term often associated with personal hygiene, takes on a sinister meaning in the context of relationships. In a concerning publication by Zikoko, Obinna (31) talks about chasing, dating, impregnating and making wedding plans with his girlfriend, Emem (20) who beyond all opposition from friends, family and strangers, is thrilled to be with him.
For Obinna, being with Emem is “easier” than being with women his age who “bring too much baggage” and for Emem, Obinna is a breath of fresh air compared to guys her age who “just want to play games.” Their story has since sparked the never-ending conversation about grooming.
Another woman, Rachel who shares her story says her aggressor, her husband, “seemed like they’re the knight in shining armour.” The Ann Craft Trust describes grooming as a form of abuse that involves manipulating someone until they’re isolated, dependent, and more vulnerable to exploitation. This subtle but dangerous beginning to abuse can leave victims feeling trapped, helpless, and questioning their sanity.
The Grooming Process: A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
For groomers, every step is a calculated strategy to achieve one goal: to trap their victims. The grooming process could occur over a short or long period, some even years.
Targeting vulnerability
According to the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), groomers are most likely to target minors or identify susceptible individuals, with low self-esteem, past trauma, or insecurity, and quickly play into the ideals of the prefect friendship or perfect romance.
Asides being media moguls and sex offenders, Sean “Diddy” Combs and R Kelly share similar approach to their crimes. Currently serving two federal prison sentences after his conviction in New York City and Chicago, R. Kelly was indicted for child pornography, enticement of a minor to engage in criminal sexual activity, sex trafficking and racketeering. In Diddy’s case, the 18-year gap between him and Cassie, his survivor whom he met when she was 19, is another example of how power imbalance could make young adults susceptible to grooming.
Groomers typically come on strong at the beginning of a relationship, moving fast and intensely, showering their victim with lots of attention.
Building trust
Groomers establish a false sense of security through charm, flattery, and emotional support. They also frequently delve into intimate thoughts and feelings quickly and insert themselves into the victim’s personal life and private business. The Polaris Project Organisation explains that groomers want to know the victim’s deepest secrets and dreams and persuade them to share keys and passwords so that they have easy access to their home, phone, social media accounts, finances, etc.
Rachel describes the beginning of her relationship with her husband as “pretty fast.”
“The night he asked me to be his girlfriend, I had told him my life story and the mistakes I had made, and he said, ‘That’s in the past, I love you.’ He presented himself as this perfect person, that was doing me a favour by loving me and people would talk about how lucky I was because all the girls were all over him.”
These are supposedly “signs of trust,” proof of their intense connection. In reality, abusers simply want to gain power and control over their victims emotionally, physically, and financially in any way they can.
Isolation
In the documentary that led to R.Kelly’s conviction “Surviving R. Kelly,” survivors explain how they were groomed to be fully dependent on R.Kelly and forbidden to contact their family. They also shared that those who disobeyed were ignored for a period of time as punishment until their aggressor had need for them which gave them a sense of worthiness again.
Victims are gradually cut off from friends, family, and support networks to “concentrate on each other” and “prioritise the relationship.” It can make the victim feel incredibly loved and unique but isolate them from anyone who can be the voice of reason, making them increasingly reliant on the abuser for everyday tasks and emotional validation.
Feeling constantly isolated in her marriage is an emotion Rachel has become familiar with. “The other night we had a talk with his parents about his abuse. He groomed me so well that he’ll admit it and he’ll say all the right things. So here he is being fake vulnerable, like admitting he’s being abusive, and people are thinking, oh, he’s admitting to what he did, so he must have changed. Why won’t she forgive him? Everyone makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable.”
Emotional manipulation
Groomers constantly make their victims feel guilty about everything via iStock
Groomers use gaslighting, guilt, and anger to control their partner’s emotions and actions. Once groomers have overwhelmed their victims with romance and inveigled themselves into their lives, their loving attitude can abruptly switch to intimidation and devaluation. This may take the form of physical coercion, threats, or emotional manipulation. They may act hostile when they don’t get their way, making victims feel unsure, uncomfortable, or unsafe, and gaslight their victims into thinking nothing is wrong with their behaviour.
For Rachel, it was emotional manipulation and intimidation. “When I found out about his addiction to pornography a year into marriage, I told him I wanted a divorce, and he called his parents crying. He said he didn’t know why I was acting irrationally over something so little. And then his parents said it’s because I was in a bad place spiritually because he would never do something like that. Everyone had always seen him as good spiritually.”
Groomers blame their victims for the change in their relationship, protesting that the victim’s reluctance to do what they want or attempts to preserve some privacy means the victim does not love them.
Exploitation
Rachel describes her husband’s graduation to sexual abuse: “When I heard the term ‘abuse,’ I was laughing. I was like, my husband is not an abuser. And once I started reading about abuse. I was like, oh my goodness, he is. One night, he woke up and told me he groped me in my sleep. I wasn’t sure if it was abuse so I reached out to some friends who said it wasn’t normal. When I told him, he acknowledged it, but when I told his parents, they said it was normal and part of the marriage contract.”
When the groomer’s true intentions are revealed, the victim is left feeling trapped and helpless. If they are without support, the victim may work extra hard to please their abusers because they want to get back to the potent, safe, loving feeling they were bombarded with earlier in the relationship. They would do anything to please the abuser. Rachel admits she may never develop the courage to leave her marriage.
“I’m too scared of what he would do. I worry about who he will be with and why I couldn’t be her, but I don’t want him either. Will I have the strength to do what I need?”
This attachment and intense desire to please is precisely what the abuser wants, what they groomed the victim for. They built up their victim’s self-esteem, only to turn around and tear it down.
Escaping the groomer
Although Rachel, who recognises that her husband has groomed her, admits she may never leave, Cassie did. Leaving a groomer can be daunting but it is essential for emotional and physical well-being.
While some victims may choose to leave everything behind, some victims may need to hold their abusers accountable and get justice to get a fresh start, hence the need to document everything. Document abuse incidents and save evidence for potential legal action.
After leaving, Dr. Annie advises seeking professional help, reconnecting with loved ones, rediscovering your identity, and celebrating your bravery and freedom.
