Dating can be scary, but using dating apps can make it scarier. Why do women keep going back to dating apps?
I’m a little scared of dating apps — I’ve downloaded, deleted and re-downloaded many apps a few times. On one hand, there’s the excitement of meeting someone new, but on the other, it often feels overwhelming to sift through messages from strangers looking for something casual. Dating apps can feel like a slot machine; you’re playing with the intention of finding a perfect match. Every swipe you take is a spin on the machine — maybe this time you’ll hit the jackpot. That “variable reward” mentality keeps women chasing connection despite ghosting, safety scares, and the emotional fatigue of modern romance. Nigerians are not exempt from this phenomenon. In fact, Nigeria ranks top of the Google search list globally for “online dating applications.”
Women who swear they have deleted the apps for good often find themselves re-installing them on a random Tuesday night, swiping and telling themselves this time might be different. For this story, we are collaborating with Lagos Wild Nights, a digital platform dedicated to capturing the pulse of nightlife, culture and intimate social experiences in Lagos. Launched in 2019, the platform has explored the emotional and social dynamics that unfold after dark in a city like Lagos.
They tell stories of the human connection and cultural exchanges at the heart of nightlife. Many of these narratives focus on relationships, fleeting encounters, deep bonds and everything in between. With over half of its audience identifying as women, Lagos Wild Nights has become a safe space where women share personal and often vulnerable accounts of dating. This openness inspired the creation of Undefined: Your Situationship Hotline, a segment dedicated to exploring the messy, exhilarating, and sometimes heartbreaking realities of undefined relationships, told from all perspectives, not just women’s.
Why do women go back to dating apps even when they know better?
From a distance, it looks irrational, you’ve been ghosted, stood up, led on or even worse. Why walk back into the fire? The many reasons women do this range from deeply emotional to brutally practical.
Hope is addictive
There are so many success stories out there of people who have met their life-long partners on dating apps. Every time you hear a friend of a friend say, “We met on Bumble”, it chips away at your cynicism. You think that if it happened for them, it could happen for you too.
Fewer offline opportunities
Not everyone gets approached at bars or meets eligible singles through friends. Not everyone even goes to bars or has a bunch of friends to hang out with. If you are shy, busy or simply not outside, where else are you supposed to meet people? Apps put hundreds of potential matches at your fingertips, something you will never get in a single night spent out in Lagos.
The illusion of endless options and control
On most apps, women are more likely to get five times the matches men do. The attention is a hit of validation — likes, superswipes, compliments — that real life rarely delivers at the same scale. So, when a man’s first message to you is “Do you think you can handle this brown stallion?” you block him and never have to see or interact with him again. That brings a sense of control. It feels like power, even if it is not always real power.
Low effort, high potential reward
Dating in real life can be exhausting. You get dressed, do your makeup, go out, buy drinks, and maybe — just maybe — you meet someone you like. Dating apps let you “be in the game” from your bed, bonnet on, Netflix in the background.
Swiping feels like progress
Even if nothing comes from it, swiping feels like taking action. It is the difference between doing something and sitting around waiting for fate.
When intentions do not align
While speaking with the founder of an African matchmaking app, we found that there is a clear gender divide, and it shifts with age and culture. Women under 25 lean toward casual dating, while those over 25 are more likely to want serious relationships. Men, however, often do not “get serious” until their mid-30s. In places like Nigeria, women are less likely to want to make the first move; compared to Kenya, where it is more common.
This mismatch fuels the rise of situationships — connections that have intimacy and consistency but no clear commitment. Dating apps did not invent this, but they accelerated it by making it easy to keep talking to multiple people without ever deciding on one.
Read more: I couldn’t stop swiping, women open up about their addiction to dating apps
The safety question
Even if you delete Tinder, you are not escaping digital romance. Instagram DMs are full of soft-launch flirting. Twitter has its “quote tweet courtship.” Threads is turning into slow-burn banter central. The lines between dating apps and social media have blurred. We are all just one emoji reaction away from a situationship.
With the number of horror stories we see online, one has to wonder why women take the risks in the first place, talkless of going back after they themselves have experienced some trauma. From catfishing to harassment to assault, the horror stories are endless.
Women in Nigeria often share warnings on blogs and in group chats about dangerous men on dating apps. The Nigerian Police have even issued public cautions about cybersafety and dating apps.
Some apps try to mitigate safety risks with verification – Bumble asks for selfie checks, Vybe goes a bit further by conducting video facial verification, and even suggesting safe public date spots for first dates.
These tools can only go so far. Once a conversation leaves the app for WhatsApp or iMessage, the platform’s oversight ends. The truth is, safety issues are not unique to apps. Everything you experience with a man you meet on one of these apps can be experienced with men you meet in real life. You can meet a man at a party who spikes your drink or does something harmful too.
The exceptions — because they exist
However, not every dating app story ends in disaster. Some women meet life partners, while some build genuine friendships. Some even find business connections. These success stories are the fuel that keeps many women going – proof that the risk might, just might, be worth it.
On Reddit, one user shared: “I met my ex-bf on Tinder… We dated for two years… he was the love of my life.” Another said: “I used Hinge whilst in Nigeria. I met my boyfriend there.” Even amidst warnings of scammers, abusers and crooks, glimpses of genuine connection keep the cycle spinning.
The quiet phenomenon
There is an emotional undertow to all of this — women who are disillusioned but still hopeful. Those who have experienced enough disappointment to know the odds, but still show up anyway. The quiet truth is that we still want connection, and we are willing to risk a little hurt for the chance at something real.
Sometimes, even when we have sworn we are done, there is a 2 a.m. boredom, a lonely Friday evening, a bad day that needs someone to talk to. We redownload, we swipe, we match. And hope that maybe this time will be different.
In the end, it is not always logic that drives women back. It is the pull of possibility. Dating apps work like a slot machine. Even after bad hands and ruined bets, there is always the whisper: maybe this time, I will win.
Read more: Navigating the complex world of dating apps from Match.com to AI
