Warning: this article contains explicit truth – a woman unapologetically owning her sexual desires.
My first sexual experience left me feeling dirty, ashamed, and worthless despite the kindness and care of my partner. The truth is, I’d been conditioned to feel this way by societal expectations ingrained into me since childhood. I felt like I had committed an offence and deserved punishment for heeding my sexual desires.
However, this experience is not unique to me. Research suggests that over half of individuals experience feelings of guilt related to sex at some point, with a notable gender disparity. While men tend to report lower levels of sex guilt, women are more likely to struggle with feelings of guilt, especially when it comes to enjoying sex and their own desires.
But it’s time to challenge this harmful mindset and reclaim our autonomy and self-worth.
Why do most women feel guilty after sex?
I remember reading Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah’s groundbreaking book titled “The Sex Lives of African Women” and being amazed at her bold documentary of women’s sexual experiences. I was amazed to find women —African women— exploring sex in ways I could only imagine, and it was remarkable.
In many cultures, especially in Africa, the notion of sexual purity and virginity is deeply ingrained in girls from a very young age. Women are expected to remain chaste until marriage, and any deviation from this ideal is met with shame and censure. This expectation is often reinforced by religious and moral teachings that emphasise and view sex as a sinful or immoral act outside of marriage.
However, the reverse is the case for men. Society supports male sexual assertiveness and confidence and encourages women to prioritise chastity and modesty. This double standard is why most women often give little or no detail when sharing information about their sexual partners, but men would gladly exaggerate. But the obvious question remains; with whom do men express this sexual assertiveness?
Women are socialised to view their sexual desires and reproductive bodies— menstruation as well! — with shame. We are taught to compartmentalise our sexuality, only acknowledging it in the context of childbirth and marital obligations. This toxic ideology perpetuates the notion that women’s bodies are vessels for procreation and men’s pleasure rather than instruments of personal pleasure and autonomy.
As a result, countless women struggle with feelings of guilt, self-loathing, and degradation after engaging in intimate activities. We are made to believe that our worth is tied to our “purity” and that any expression of sexual desires is a betrayal of that worth. This damaging mindset must be challenged and dismantled.
Challenging the status quo
Why should I be ashamed of something that brings me joy, closeness, and connection with others? Why should I apologise for loving skin-on-skin sensation, the thrill of exploration, or the comfort of a warm embrace? I have asked myself these questions countless times, and every answer feels like an apology to someone else.
The notion that sex is something to be ashamed of is harmful. It’s a relic of a time when women’s bodies were controlled and policed. A time when sexual desires were seen as a male prerogative, and when intimacy was only permissible under the condition of fulfilling men’s desires.
But I reject this narrative. I believe that sex and intimacy are essential parts of being a woman. They’re a way for us to connect with ourselves and others, to experience pleasure and joy, and to express ourselves in a deeply personal way.
Embrace your sexual desires
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should take sex lightly or force or coerce intimacy. Consent, respect, safety and communication are essential for any healthy and fulfilling intimate relationship.
And those of us who do love sex and intimacy, let’s not be ashamed to say it. Let’s not be afraid to explore our desires, communicate our boundaries, and seek connections that bring us joy and fulfilment.
Break free from the shame and guilt that come after sex and embrace your desires with confidence, respect, and openness.
