For some, the idea of staying in touch with an ex is a definite no-go, while others maintain close friendships with former lovers without issue. But if this situation of dealing with your partner’s ex is causing tension in your relationship, it’s crucial to ask yourself three important questions.
Dealing with your partner’s ex
Staying friends with an ex is a complex topic. “It’s normal for some people to remain friends with their exes,” explains relationship expert Bethany Ricciardi. Even after the romantic spark fades, a connection often remains, making it hard for some to sever ties completely with someone they once held dear.
So, if your significant other (SO) still talks to their ex, it may not be unusual. However, it’s understandable if this bothers you. If you find yourself uncomfortable with dealing with your partner’s ongoing relationship with their ex, it’s essential to reflect on why you feel this way. This self-reflection can pave the way for a constructive conversation with your SO.
Dealing with your partner’s ex doesn’t have to spell trouble for your relationship
1. Are you secure in your relationship?
Feeling secure and valued in your relationship is crucial. If doubts persist, innocent messages exchanged between your partner and their ex could exacerbate these insecurities. According to marriage and family therapist Jennifer L. McBride McNamara, this insecurity often stems from a gut feeling that something isn’t right. This fixation can overshadow other aspects of your relationship.
Feeling anxious about your partner’s interactions with their ex is likely a symptom of insecurity, rather than its cause. If you were completely secure in your relationship, occasional messages between your partner and their ex wouldn’t cause distress. However, timing matters. “Maintaining contact with a recent ex can be challenging for a new relationship, even if both parties have moved on,” notes psychologist Dr. QuaVaudra Perry. Lingering emotions can complicate matters.
If you feel secure in your relationship and enough time has passed since your partner’s breakup with their ex, with no romantic feelings involved, “it may not pose a threat to the new relationship,” adds Dr. Perry.
2. How often does your partner communicate with their ex?
The frequency and nature of communication between your partner and their ex are crucial. Do they exchange occasional messages or meet at social events? Or do they text regularly and meet frequently? These distinctions matter. According to Dr. Perry, it’s reasonable to be concerned if your partner communicates with their ex as often as or more than they do with you.
Daily communication between your partner and their ex is generally a cause for concern. The same applies to early morning or late-night messages, notes Dr. Perry. However, brief and infrequent communication between your partner and their ex may not be worrisome, according to the psychologist.
Another red flag is if your partner’s ex is disrespectful toward you. While you don’t need to be best friends, maintaining a cordial, respectful relationship is crucial—especially since they are still in contact with your partner. In such cases, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries together with your partner.
3. How does your partner respond when you bring up their ex?
Open communication with your partner is vital, especially when discussing sensitive topics. However, broaching this subject can be challenging, particularly in a new relationship, where you want to avoid baseless accusations or unnecessary jealousy. Dr. Perry suggests observing your partner’s behaviour and communication patterns with their ex for a while before initiating a conversation. This not only gives you a clearer picture of their relationship but also provides concrete examples to discuss with your partner.
Ready to talk to your partner about their ex? Approach the conversation calmly and observe their reaction. “A caring partner will likely acknowledge your concerns and work with you to establish boundaries that make you feel comfortable,” explains Dr. Perry. Conversely, “if your partner responds defensively or denies your concerns, it may indicate that their relationship with their ex is more significant than you realised.” While a close relationship doesn’t necessarily imply a romantic one, it does suggest that your partner may not be entirely transparent about its significance.
Building a healthy relationship
Ultimately, the significance of your partner’s friendship with their ex depends on your perspective. Just because they maintain contact doesn’t mean your partner is unfaithful or harbours lingering feelings. However, it’s okay to feel insecure about it. Your feelings are valid, but ensure they don’t overshadow what matters most to you. Ask yourself these three questions and initiate an open dialogue with your partner. If your relationship is strong and healthy, occasional exchanges between exes shouldn’t threaten it. And if they do, it might be time to move on to something better.
This article was syndicated from Marie Claire Netherlands
Translated and adapted by Praise Vandeh, Marie Claire Nigeria Content Writer
